The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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