So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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