we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
