Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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