just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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