my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
