You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
