Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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