You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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