I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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