Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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