I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
