You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
