Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
