I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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