Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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