alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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