My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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