a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
