Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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