Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
