there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
