I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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