The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
