i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
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You. Win. At. Life.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
