I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
