I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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