dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
