this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
