i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
