hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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