Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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