If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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