MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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