oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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