Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize