It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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