I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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