just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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