you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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