i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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