So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How does one acquire holy water?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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