I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So many bounce houses so little time
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
