My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
