Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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