I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
