I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
