Just fell off a train. Bad.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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