Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
