after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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