Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
