hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
