I am spending my child support on dildos
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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