Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
