Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
