his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
