dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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