just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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