can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
