So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
