I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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