Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
