Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
